What if I said I was a casual acquaintance with destiny manifest as I go wandering the torn, shattered world of my grandios cosmos? Shit. What hyperbole for a man who walks through life like a busted machine, or a ‘broken robot’ (thanx Boozer)! Spiritual bankruptcy. A copy of Cash in hand, drifting on the breeze, walking the line in a zig-zagging, crisscrossing fashion…between dirty hands, dirty lands, and dirty deeds. How’s a child grown like ditch weed and expected to flower in these darkest of times? Thompson would say something about this foul year of our lord 2009, but we won’t go into that malarkey right now (or ever, if you know how I roll).
Video: Guitar playin' sonuvabitch.
Now I have to say that the massive edifice called life, monumentally clouds my chakra. My third eye is crying. I try to whisper the meanings. Then I yell them while out and about in the world, and it never works. BulIshit cliches about rhyme and reason tickle my eardrums with empty echoes. Beware the bunnyman! I have to tune into my scary transmissions and amplify them to the deafening roar of light and dark, good and evil, right and wrong for them to even eventually be heard by the others. Dualism is a blinding force sulkily creeping around in my universe, but I shall overcome! I was weaned on cheerleading atrocities and molded out of shape into believing in icons, slogans, xenophobia, and some secret things much, much worse.
Video: Quicksand
As a child languishing in the mid-eighties, I once munched greedily on Rambo cereal. I dined on the corny sugar shapes of knives and guns, or something of that nature, but I don’t look back so fondly on these times, as I keep seeing it all come crawling back around all glassy eyed in the form of a golden, halcyon nostalgia in the looking glass, drama, dream machine. Unbelievable. My whole existence through the early stages of my process through time, it seems, was shaped and influenced by the media. It is almost like I have a childhood story cobbled out of television shows with such horrible little plots, and of news headlines screaming only of triumphant tragedy. Fuckin’ hell. Me thinks the technology of it all is bringing some form of rotten desolation which is blowing into town on the back of an ever accelerating wind.
“They’re spoon feeding Casanova
To get him to feel more assured
Then they’ll kill him with self-confidence
After poisoning him with words …just being punished for going
To Desolation Row” - Dylan
This little ship has been tossed around and is finding a hard time in celebrating his own triumphs against the agents and energy of ‘Control’.
The simple truth is…I want to be ablaze like a God, astride a wondrous chariot, mastering a team of galaxy trampling horses, content, and solving only higher puzzles. What do we do with a supposedly approaching ‘golden dawn’? Dammit, I wanna know! “I shift gears and I drink beers.” Huh? That’s a clever fucking name for a rockabilly song if I ever heard one, or twenty three. I do know where all my troubles started, that’s a step in the right direction, I think. I think moving forward would spring me out of the little, fragile, wooden cages I have constructed for myself out of doubt and open hostility towards other humans just like me (or really, truly me if the Buddhists or that Scottish 23 comics are to be understood).
I have at the back of mind, an animal of an idea that I have been fighting the wrong battles and dragging the war through multiple dim decades. I am 32, almost. I was born on December 10th, 1976 and I do believe I have just recently begun to learn on a more prescient level, most of the time. Other times I blunder and blither, but that has been caused primarily by my predilection towards drinking copious amounts of lagers, and ales, and stouts, and pilsners, and bocks, and hefeweizens, and whiskeys. And further down the rabbit hole we go.
Video: Whiskey Dick
I spent time in the Air Force, a derelict, on duty, following in my Dad’s economic footfalls and baby-making, traditionalist ways. I hated the Communists and I revolted the Queers in Kalifornia (SF flavor). I spaced the years of my early twenties learning technology and a valuable work ethic (although I think that it had always been innate). I kicked and screamed, cringed and cried, only to learn, recently, that I was breaking down the walls in the ruins of an ancient city created from the energy of blaming my parents for all of my pain, sorrow, and existential misery. A dead end if I followed through, but with no useful conclusion.
Video: My Back Pages
Anyhoo, the dogs bark orders and the lesser dogs march through the hell of Control’s machinery and drink to their destruction and eat their own souls. Some found comfort in being this way, but I could not. I had come to gain an inkling of the abstractions and ideas I could hardly ever convey to the others in these broken circles. My testosterone surely has had an awful influence on some of my illest actions and behaviors, but some of the shackled beasts I lived and worked with then were like the Island of Jackasses in Pinocchio; on steroids. Seeing soulless Creatine cretins, the cream and the clear, the cream of the crap, cheap thrills and canned Keystone beers as the smell of cigarettes, sweat, sex, and pent up Yankee v. Southern aggression roiling on the air can lead a sensitive one to surely suffer some sort of social paralysis. Fuck and fight, yell and scream, then fight and fuck some more seemed to me to be name of that consensus reality game. Oh yeah!
Video: Sgt. Baker
Afterword, heads filled with thoughts of a trumpeting Jesus booming from the PA system like some sort of weird Evangelical version of a cacophonous call to a Muslim morning prayer made my eyes water with loathing and my stomach quiver with fear, for I knew we were the fleeting lifeblood, fixing flying machines, with the sole purpose of projecting destructive power onto the global peasantry. WEWJD? What Exactly Would Jesus Do?
Video: Build my hotrod, of course.
And I can never forget the cloying, carcinogenic chemical soot wafting through the air on tendrils of demon fingers, creeping into the olfactory centers of my once baby-freckled nose, as I was ever cringing from the unholy scent of airplane flatulence. The air machines bled poison and leaked excrement onto the concrete in maniacal Rorschach patterns and caused the fresh flows of rain to be all cloudy and rainbowy-like as they fled away into the storm drains and eventually disappearing into some distant, nameless body of the bluest, purest water.
And I, avoiding breaking the rules of the institution became a full time obsession. I felt like some of the heaviest, densest material had been placed squarely on my shoulders for me to trudge around with in addition to all of the niceties and necessities of married parenthood grinding on the back of my skull like the strong jaws of some depraved, invisible Dingo. A dingo ate my baby! Indeed.
By now you have most likely come to terms with my blatant cynicism and twisting tortured sarcasm. What can I say? “I guess I am just a product of my environment” likely to be sang, and then chanted loudly in the chorus, by some obscure punk rock band named the ‘Cop Outs’ or some similar shit I heard in an interlude on an Ice Cube record. I cannot pretend to be something I am not; and why not? And what I most certainly am not, is bubbly, so deal with it or quit reading this unplanned, biographical manifestoon and go turn on the neon and drink one for me. I am now going to tune out of this digression, so let's just light it up and move along.
Now the truth of the matter is, after the aforementioned last little spell cast, I have to say, I have no idea what I am doing here, or there. I can’t help but feel like I am closing in on something grand and tragic in the same instant. I feel like a momentary collapse of our life-star. I feel like our awesome post-post-modern apocalypse in full bloom like a daisy chain crown of thorns consisting of, all in all, DNA and a streaming consciousness outside of time and space; now bringing you to my point. What does it all mean, man? Or woman! Or whatever it is that I’m supposed to say, or do, or cherish, or become!
Video: Third Eye
Always in a state of becoming...I am always reminded of that gourmet trash can gracing the succulent kitchen adorning my house, my home…that whenever I read the box…or see it taking up valuable shelf space in one of those awful Red stores that burn my eyes like wine…I think it to be smug, a self-assured robot with a tin can human voice who is always saying, “Simple Human ™”, when he happens upon one of us fragile flesh-creatures frolicking joylessly in the emptiness of the street. Or I think of Chomsky, who just has to be robot or one of the golden ones Bowie crooned about 30 years ago, come yesterday. Is time travel possible? What sort of question am I asking? From whom should I seek the answers?
Video: Pretty Things
LSD…almost…really didn’t work…a catalyst definitely maybe…but it did not finish the job. We only projected up and outward, then slowly went under, sank back; all slow-like into ourselves and consumerism. Just ask the cocaine kids on the IPODs and the internet, and the TV, and the Zoloft, and read the text messages (I may be becoming square like those before me, but seriously, I cannot understand, nor want to understand the hyperspace spelling, 3v!l) and the jingoisms raining down through the clouds of the media, Stormin’ Norman like our great arena warrior traipsing through surreal cities Godzilla-style.
Video: Zoloft
Cheesy Velveeta is what it often regresses to in the mind of this thing called Mickey Moodswing. I have been called a beautiful dork by so many people, beautiful in their own right, rite of passage, climbing the hill or currently on a plateau. Does it all end when we are dead? I think that that is the million-dollar question on everybody’s mind. “Enquiring minds want to know, I want to know.” Again the question is begged, “From who should I seek the answers?”
Video: I won't get to get what I'm after, till the day I die.
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